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06 November 2014 @ 01:53 pm
can i call you (i miss the sound of your voice) ××× for bluedreaming  
Written for: bluedreaming
: can i call you (i miss the sound of your voice)
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 1.8K
Summary: Their relationship having always been tumultuous, Jongdae looks back at his history with Lu Han.
Warning/s: mentions of smoking/substance (alcohol) use/sex, abusive behavior(?)
Author's Note: hello bluedreaming! I’m really happy I got to write this for you. Your prompt was amazing and I hope I did it justice ♡
Title is from here (http://quoteworld.tumblr.com/post/70844525259/can-i-call-you-i-miss-the-sound-of-your-voice)

It’s one a.m and Jongdae can’t sleep. There’s no particular reason for this – he simply can’t. He wonders if not having anyone sleeping next to him in his bed has something to do with it.

He’s been alone for a few weeks. After their last fight, Lu Han had stormed out of their shared apartment and Jongdae hadn’t seen him since then. He had been to their house again, while the younger was working at the local library, and he had taken most of his clothes and personal belongings with him.

Jongdae knew exactaly where to find him, if he wanted. Lu Han didn’t have many friends and it was easy to guess which one he would ask for help.

Lu Han had met Minseok about a year before. Minseok had just moved and they ended up meeting at the bar Lu Han would always go to watch some football games. Jongdae didn’t really care about the sport and Lu Han would often gout alone to watch some games. The younger didn’t really care about it – until the elder met Minseok.

They were at the beginning of a serious relationship, after knowing each other for a few years, and Jongdae couldn’t control his jealousy. Minseok had been the reason for their first fights – he couldn’t stand how Lu Han talked about the older man. He knew Lu Han could never betray him but that hadn’t stopped him from accusing him of things he had never done.

(He was not surprised, when he woke up after their first fight, and saw Lu Han sleeping on the couch.)


Jongdae met Lu Han during his first year of high school. He was young and confused and he assumed his jealousy towards the older boy was simply a sign of friendship – after all, Lu Han was older, he was popular, he was nice and, he was beautiful. Everyone wanted to be friends with him – but Jongdae was one of the few that Lu Han let get close to him.

It wouldn’t be until years later – when Jongdae was done with his History degree and met Lu Han on his way to a job interview - that he had second thoughts about his feelings.

“I’m really glad you’re here. It’s been what? Two years since we last spoke? What have you been doing?” As the two were waiting for their food, Lu Han initiated a conversation. He had invited Jongdae to have dinner with him, after meeting him the day before, and, despite initially reluctant, Jongdae had accepted.

It seemed like Lu Han didn’t care that the two had spent two years apart – he was completely comfortable talking to Jongdae, as he was back in high school.

“Nothing much.” The younger wasn’t as comfortable as Lu Han but he tried to engage in the conversation. “I’ve been trying to find a job for the past three months. I have some part-jobs here and there but it’s only temporary. At least, I hope so. And you?”

“I work at a small lawyers’ company. It’s mainly a family business – there’s only another person besides me who is not part of the family,” Lu Han smiled. “But they are all extremely nice. I don’t make that much money but it’s great. I really like to work there.”

“That’s great to hear, really.” Jongdae smiled back. “I’m happy you’re okay.”

Jongdae was surprised at how fast the time went by, by Lu Han’s side. After dinner, they went to a small bar that had live concerts every night. They spent the night talking and drinking – those two years hadn’t been the most interesting of their lives but they always had something to talk about. He didn’t want to leave – but he was sure Lu Han had to work the following day and he didn’t want him to stay up until late because of him.

“We should be going.”

“But it’s not even-“ Lu Han looked at his phone and didn’t finish the sentence. “I guess you’re right, it’s getting late.”

“Exactly. And I’m pretty sure you need to work tomorrow.” Jongdae got up and helped Lu Han moving from his seat. One thing was still the same – it didn’t take much for the older male to get drunk. “I’ll get you home.”

“But what about my car?”

“Isn’t the barman your friend?” Lu Han nodded with his head. “I’m sure you can ask him to take care of it until tomorrow.”

After talking to Lu Han’s friend – Zhang Yixing, known as Lay, a Chinese exchange student Lu Han met during university – and getting directions to the his house, Jongdae entered the car and watched a slightly tipsy and giggly Lu Han trying to get inside.

“Need some help?”

“I’m not a kid, Jongdae! I can enter a car.” The younger couldn’t help but smile. “Don’t make fun of me. Don’t they teach you you have to respect older people?”

As soon as Lu Han was able to sit down, Jongdae started the car. The drive was short but not silent. Lu Han kept talking and asking question about Jongdae’s life and the younger could do nothing but suppress his laughter. It was funny to see a grown man like Lu Han act like that.

“Can you help me get inside?” The elder’s question caught the other by surprise. “I have some troubles with keys when I’m drunk.”

“Yeah, sure.” He figured out it wouldn’t be a problem. He would just open the door and make sure Lu Han locked it after he was gone. It wouldn’t take much time.

He put Lu Han’s arm over his shoulders and kept one of his arms around the elder. Both walked the short distance slowly, with Lu Han letting his head rest on Jongdae’s shoulders. He could feel Lu Han’s breath against his neck - and maybe it was the alcohol finally hitting him but it felt too nice.

“Can you give me the keys?” With his free hand, the elder searched for the keys in his pocket and hand it to the younger. Struggling, Jongdae opened the door and entered the house. He tried to turn on the lights but he felt a hand holding him. “We’re going to get hurt if we don’t have any lights on. I need to make sure you get to your bed safely.”

Jongdae didn’t have any reaction when he felt Lu Han’s lips kissing his neck and slowly making their way to his own lips. He could feel how the elder’s mouth touched every inch of his skin, like a test – like if he was asking if it was okay.

“Lu Han?”

“You don’t understand how much I’ve wanted this. I thought I was completely over you, but I’m not.” Lu Han whispered. “I want to kiss you, I want you to kiss me. And I want you to take me to my room and take of my clothes and fuck me.”

“You’re drunk, Lu Han.” Jongdae tried not to let his feelings get the best of him but it was hard when he had the other male kissing him. “I can’t do this while you’re drunk. It’s not okay.”

“I’m not drunk.” He whispered again. “I know this sounds ridiculous – it’s like I’m seventeen again – but I couldn’t think of any other way to make sure you would take me home.” He was silent for a few seconds – maybe waiting for some kind of answer. “I want you. So bad.”

Jongdae felt himself give in – and he kissed Lu Han.


(That had been the beginning of something. Nothing too serious - they were perfect together and their relationship was perfect as it was.

Until Jongdae decided that wasn’t enough for him. He needed to be sure Lu Han was his and only his.

And that was the beginning of something that nothing could fix – not even love).


Lu Han was understanding and forgiving. After endless apologies and kisses and touches, the elder couldn’t stay mad at Jongdae. His touches were the only thing that could make him shiver so easily – and Jongdae appreciated it. He liked to see how much power he had over Lu Han.

His gestures were never affective. Jongdae was rough, he wasn’t careful enough. He loved Lu Han so much he wanted all for himself. He was selfish. He couldn’t let Lu Han breath.

(Lu Han was still understanding and forgiving. He had been for more time than Jongdae deserved. He had let himself suffocate to save a relationship that couldn’t survive in the first place.)


Jongdae couldn’t even notice when it all became too much for Lu Han to handle it. He didn’t notice Lu Han would avoid him, that Lu Han wouldn’t kiss him, that Lu Han was slowly leaving his life.

He couldn’t notice Lu Han’s happiness when he was away from him. And, when he had noticed, it had been too late to do anything.


He listens to songs that make him remember Lu Han. He knows he shouldn’t – he is not supposed to miss him. He doesn’t have the right to miss him. But he does – and it hurts.

He can only think of Lu Han’s smile around Minseok – jealousy kills him a little bit more every day.

He knows he doesn’t have any reasons - Minseok is straight and has a beautiful girlfriend (fiancé, he corrects) and, if any of them wanted to be together, they wouldn’t wait for so long.

But Jongdae didn’t know when to stop. He always wanted more and more and he couldn’t control himself.


“Promise me you’ll leave if I ever do something to hurt you.” The younger said, letting one of his fingers touch Lu Han’s skin. They were lying naked on the elder’s bed and Jongdae just couldn’t stop himself from feeling Lu Han’s body. He had his head against the elder’s chest and he could feel his heartbeat.

“You can’t be serious. I love you, Jongdae. I could never leave you.”

Jongdae knew Lu Han was being completely honest – even if he wanted to leave, he wouldn’t do it. He would always be waiting for him – he would always believe Jongdae would never hurt him.

“And I love you – I wouldn’t forgive myself if I hurt you.”


Jongdae knows his actions were wrong. If they hadn’t been, Lu Han would still be with him. He blows the smoke out of his lungs – if Lu Han was still there, he would take the cigarette away from him and tell him to stop. He misses Lu Han’s voice.

(He calls Lu Han.

Lu Han doesn’t pick up the phone).
catbearbluedreaming on November 6th, 2014 11:22 pm (UTC)
This was so beautiful and so sad; Jongdae wanting too much and knowing he's wrong but not being able to help it; Lu Han wanting to give it to him until something happens because not even love can fix some things when they start breaking and keep breaking That was the beginning of something that nothing could fix and Jongdae, deep inside, always knew Promise me you'll leave if I ever do something to hurt you. I wonder what Lu Han is thinking, on the other side of that phone call? Is he mouthing the promises he made when it seemed so easy? Jongdae takes another breath of death and calls anyway.

Thank you so much for writing this. (ㅠ_ㅠ) ♡

Edited at 2014-11-07 12:48 am (UTC)
ixxxreneixxxrene on November 8th, 2014 03:44 pm (UTC)
Your recipient recommended this to me knowing I love angst, and I do love this! (I was on a reading spree, and luckily she mentioned this or I would have missed T_T). I'm going to repeat; this is so beautiful and so sad. [Obviously both of us adore this so much]

Over jealousy is such a dangerous thing. As well as greed. :( Even of one is patient, there's a limit for everything. Too bad Jongdae realize that once it slipped from his grasp. >_<

Thank you so much for writing this! ♡